was a few days ago that I wanted to write, on livejournal I do not notice when you never wrote a new post - there are no notifications on Iobloggo as favorites, and if there are, I do not understand - then let this same I'm writing Here is unnoticed. is a bit 'fake coming out, a bit' coward.
I can not tell if the 'problem' is serious or not serious. if the word 'eating disorder' is too high, or my concern is considered excessive. also quotes the word problem. I do not know where to start or what to say to actually be able to vent. no vomiting for about a month since I promised my boy, if I Indeed, I would have said. two or three months ago, on a chilly evening, I had to promise - too quiet for me to explain - that I would not have done more. I should not have locked in the bathroom, turned on the radio, stuck two fingers in his throat. Did I promised, and I continued to do so, without even feeling guilty. is not an eating disorder, not a disease. does not happen every day, I do not lose more weight, they are always fat. There are intervals. During this period, for example. few months, maybe during the summer. when I turned eighteen I weighed a bit 'more of sixty-six pounds (I'm 1.62cm high) in less than three weeks he turned twenty, weight fifty-seven pounds, approximately. why not just about not vomiting for about a month, but even a few days that I do not weight - my scale is semi-broken forever, and is not reliable. it makes me angry. because this thing of feeling fat is not an excuse to hear oh, but you're not at all! : a totalizing thought. there is only one. my biggest fear is getting fat. feel my belly so soft it makes me sick. the mirror and see me, God! it was just the physical. I'm not even helped by a pretty face.
do not know how you can do to convince a person not to hate her body. I thought would serve love, be loved sincerely, knowing that your body - as it is - excites him. does not change: each is the worst enemy of himself . yet I can not hate me completely, even if I took her face in my hands, huddled against the wall, looking into his eyes and I have scanned, so great and injured 'if I could, I'd take a knife and remove the fat from my body '.
in any case, today I reset of the university: the times so absurd that I spend all day at university, I will go to bed early (which I also had to do tonight) and that means not eating - dinner not included, of course - will be much easier. I do not mean fast, but I want to be able to avoid pasta, bread, cakes and fried for a while, 'and see what happens.
is absurd from beginning to end, I know .
Cassie: I stopped eating, and then everyone HAD to do what I said. That Was Powerful.
Teacher: Did you enjoy it?
Cassie: I think ... It Was The Happiest Time Of My Life.
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